Saturday, March 29, 2008

Hippies Suck

Oh yeah right, as if I was sit there and expound on how great hippies are. Everyone knows that hippies suck. I mean it's a plain and simple fact. Gravity accelerates objects of mass towards a planet's center, at sea level water freezes from a liquid to a solid at 0˚C, it is impossible for one to travel at the speed of light, it's mathematically impossible to divide by zero, and hippies suck. I believe it's actually in the newest edition of Miriam-Webster's Dictionary. The entry for hippy says this:

hippy, n; Someone who sucks.

Encyclopedia Britannica had this to say in their entry:

Hippy (see suck).

Now I know there are probably people out there that think hippies aren't that bad. These people can safely be lumped in with those who think the Earth is flat, holocaust deniers, UFO enthusiasts, and those who think that pro wrestling isn't staged. These people should be pitied for their gullibility. Now at this point you might be thinking 'Well of course hippies suck, but why do they suck?' The answer is simpler than one might imagine. The biggest reason why hippies suck is they don't do anything. They have absolutely no purpose in life except to protest things. They'll protest anything, no matter trivial or inane it may seem to the rest of us. They'll protest things they know nothing about, except that their hippy buddy told them it was bad. They'll protest things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why do they do this you might ask? Well if they didn't protest something, their lives would be meaningless. Well, I mean more meaningless. Right now life is awesome for the hippy, because there is a Republican president in the White House and a war going on. This is their greatest fantasy; war is the ultimate vehicle for protest. As long as there is war that the U.S. is involved in, it's has to be wrong, and we're the bad guys. This gives them a reason to get off the couch they're surfing on, put the bong away, and do something. Now granted that that something is absolutely in no way productive. Yelling chanting and waving cardboard signs around hardly qualifies as a day of life altering constructiveness. Here's a day in the life of other people in comparison with hippies.

Trauma Surgeon: I saved the life of a 8 year old who accidentally got hit by a bus.

Pilot: I safely flew, navigated and landed a 300 ton piece of metal moving 600 mph and carrying 400 people.

Detective: I tracked and nabbed a serial rapist, then threw him in the slammer.

Hippy: I waved signs and yelled outside the office of the city head of water and sewage, to let him know that he needs to stop the war and to tell the world how evil George W. Bush is.

See the discrepancy here. The interesting thing to see will be in January 2009 when ol' Dubya leaves office and the hippies will realize that without him to protest, their lives are meaningless hollow shells of an existence. Hopefully it'll go something like this:

(Click on this graphic please, you won't be able to read it otherwise and it took me an assload of time to draw and scan it; even though I can't draw.)

Other than the protests there are other reasons hippies suck, like this:

Yeah, they actually try to buy things with beads and crystals. I had a friend who worked at a liquor store here in hippy central where I live, and he had to have a sign in the store to inform patrons that crystals, beads and pot were not acceptable forms of compensation for the store's merchandise.

And thirdly they smell bad. Really bad. That's fairly simple.

Now at this point you must be thinking "What can I do about the Hippy problem? I live in northern California which is hippy central, so I just so happen to be a seasoned veteran of anti-hippy tactics. There are a few methods to fight a hippy infestation. For one thing, here's what not to do:

That's right, whatever you do, do not try to convince a hippy that they're wrong through rational thought. This is about as futile as convincing a born again Christian that Jesus sold crack to three-year olds. So here's some things you can do to take care of hippies.

1. Brute Force:

Now I know you're thinking to yourself "This guy's getting lazy. He used the same graphic he used for the Rambo article." Would I do that to you? It's obviously a different graphic. Although the guy firing the machine gun is, in fact still Rambo, the dead guys are obviously hippies instead. You'll notice that the severed heads now have "white guy dreads". Anyone with white guy dreads, is clearly a hippy.

I've also clearly labeled the victims as "hippies".
This approach, while very gratifying, is a bit conspicuous. Someone's bound to notice and the fine for killing that many hippies is somewhere around $75, and you have get up early to make the court date. Also Rambo is very costly to hire.

2. Piss Them Off:
The best way to do this is to load your pocket with quarters. Lots of quarters. Make sure your pockets are bulging with the to the point where the sheer weight of the coins are pulling your pants down. With your pants making a "Ka-ching. ka-ching." with every step, walk past a hippy. The hippy will be drawn to this and invariably ask you if you have change. Say yes. If they ask if they can have some, say no, and keep walking. I find this very effective.

3. Use Repellent:
Yes there actually is hippy repellent, things they cannot tolerate. I'll show you by analogy.

In reality you can use any cleaning supply, as hippies are deathly afraid of being clean, it's just that Lysol is the brand leader in household disinfectants, and comes in a handy aerosol can that is easy to deploy.
Well I hope this has been educational look into how to deal with hippies. This should give you all the knowledge you need to combat the scourge. If a friend or relative runs into a hippy problem, feel free to refer them to this highly informative article.

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