Friday, February 22, 2008


My Big Fat Movie Review

Rambo (2008)
dir. Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone
Julie Benz

Plot: 3/10
Acting: 4/10
Awesomeness: 11/10

Since, if you've been reading my posts, you know by now how much I hate Valentine's Day. My tradition on Valentine's day was always to make myself feel better by watching an incredibly violent movie. Usually I have to rent, but this year there was one in the theaters. Therefore I had the pleasure of getting to mosey on down to the local cinema and watch the fourth installment of Rambo. The movie was in it's last running day and I went to a matinée, so I had the whole theater to myself. There I could sit back and take in the bloodshed unencumbered. The plot of Rambo 4 goes something like this: In Burma, or Myanmar or whatever the hell they're calling that country these days, lots of poor villagers are being terrorized by the Burmese military bad guys. Rambo starts off his day like any man, by catching King Cobras to sell to the Thai. Then some Christian missionaries waltz in and have Rambo take them to Burma. Apparently the power of Christ compels them to be total fucktards and walk in to a war zone unarmed. Of course the bad guys, who are a little smarter and do have weapons, walk in, kick their ass and take their wallets. Then Rambo and some mercenaries have to go in and get them. Rambo is torn and doesn't want to kill anymore, but then remembers that he's really really good at killing people and decides 'Ah, what the hell.' Then it's basically carnage galore. There's a particular cool Aussie merc. who pops off bad guy's heads with a .50 sniper rifle. He should have thrown in the one liner "That's Australian for DEAD!" Anyway Rambo kills everyone and everything is lollipops and sunshine. Below is scene from the movie:

So, if you like seeing people shot, machine gunned, skewered with arrows, blown up with mines, hacked up and disemboweled, this one's for you. Remember kids violence solves everything.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Valentine's Day Sucks Ass!


If there's any holiday in existence that makes me want to vomit it's Valentine's Day. February 14th is day that anyone with a Y chromosome dreads. It is a lose-lose situation for men. If you're a guy you either you have a girlfriend and have to pay out the ass to buy her cutesy crap to placate the bitch, in order for the possibility of future sex, or you don't have a girlfriend and feel like a loser. The shit that chicks want is always nauseating. Teddy bears that say 'I Wuv You!' or 'Life is unbearable without you.' Oh that's hilarious. They'll also want chocolates, which fatten them up so they won't fit in the sexy lingerie you bought, and flowers that you'll shell out 20 bucks for and will wilt in three days. You might have to choke down some of those candy hearts, with the romantic phrases on them, that taste like chalk. If you have a good job and get a decent paycheck, she may want jewelry. In this case you're totally fucked. I've seen women gawking of diamond pendants that cost upwards of $5000. That's right, 5Gs for a small chunk of rock and metal. I think of the amount of cool shit I could get for that kind of money: a top of line computer with dual processors, 800GB of space, 30" monitor; the works. A newer car that's slightly better than the piece of shit I currently drive. On the 15th I bet that women show off their Valentine's Day loot to other women in a 'Who has the better boyfriend?' contest. If I had a time machine, I'd go back and make St. Valentine himself suck down 230 grains of .45 caliber lead in order to prevent this abominable holiday from ever existing. Yes it seems that all is lost for men on 02/14, but not to fret, here are a few valuable survival tips to lessen the agony.

1. Get a friend with benefits.
This is the ultimate way to say 'Fuck you!' to Valentine's Day. A female friend that you can hang out with, play Super Mario Brothers with, and then proceed to have two solid hours of nasty, no strings attached, sex with is a great way to go. Then both of you can go out on Valentine's Day and make fun of the men scrambling for last minute gifts. Later on the two of you can hit up the local watering hole and laugh at the desperate men and ugly women trying to score a last minute Valentine's hook up.

2. Buy her a case of wine coolers.
Buy her a cheap decoy gift like a couple of roses. Then present to your lady with a 30 pack of wine coolers. It's highly possible that she'll get drunk enough to experiment with her hot girlfriend who's depressed because she just got dumped last week. Looks like this Valentine's Day might not turn out so bad after all.

3. Nuke Kay Jewelers.
'Every kiss begins with Kay',as their slogan goes. Yeah well so does bankruptcy, credit card debt, and poor FICA scores. And besides, think of all the beer you could buy for with that money. Below is an easy guide ( see fig. 1) to avoid these horrible fates.

Sorry honey, I can't buy you that diamond necklace because the store is now a radioactive cloud of vapor. This may seem a bit harsh, but after all, it's the only way to be sure.

4. Buy her Gears of War. (see fig. 2) fig. 2->

If you have an XBox 360 I highly recommend this. Nothing says love like wasting wave after wave of Locust monsters in Co-op mode. You can even hold hands during the cut scenes.

5. Ignore it Completely.
Forget the day even exists. Work overtime, tell her you need money because your transmission blew. Attempt to fool her into believing it's already the 15th. Just use your imagination.

I hope this will help all you guys out there better cope with Valentine's Day. Best of luck to you.

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