Sunday, January 27, 2008

Microsoft Must Die! (But It Won't Be Easy.)

It should be simply obvious by now that Microsoft is by far the most evil entity in existence on our planet today. The Taliban, Al Queda, Pol Pot? Pussies compared with Microsoft. Even Hitler's Third Reich or Stalinistic Communism would have barely held a candle to the sinister software juggernaut. It is clearly obvious what Microsoft's chief Führer Bill Gates' endgame is: World domination ... and beyond!
His plan for the demise of free will started out simply enough. Create a GUI similar to Apple's but with slightly more bugs. Every time the 'blue screen of death' appeared, the computer was actually reading your thoughts via alien technology that Gates acquired through the blackmailing of an unnamed governmant official (according to our latest intelligence). "Illegal operation" indeed! Each new installment of Windows, so named because it was literally a 'window' to your most intimate thoughts, made the user more and more reliant on it. Eventually Microsoft started to force users to upgrade their software applications with every new installment of their diabolical operating system, while the mind reading technology continued to improve under the personal supervision of Gates' and a close elite inner circle of developers. Windows Vista, may very well be the end of human kind as we know it. Vista not only requires the upgrade of software, but also of peripheral hardware components. Think of the implications of this. With Vista, and perhaps even more subversive later versions, combined with Gates' mind control technology, Microsoft can then coerce the military into adopting their software. By doing that they will also have to upgrade their hardware which, instead of a simple printer, will include ICBM launch operations, cruise missile targeting systems, spy satellite communications just to name a few. With some clever backdoor programming Bill Gates will effetively control all NATO military systems and hold the world in the palm of his hand. Think Skynet from the Terminator movies but under Microsoft's control. With the threat of him ending civilization with a nuclear holocaust, Gates will then force the human race to bow down, and submit to him as the supreme ruler of Earth. This information was given to us, the resistance movement, in the form of a Powerpoint presentation stolen by secret operatives that have infiltrated Microsoft with extreme risk to themselves.
While that might seem bad enough, Microsoft's domination may plan to extend beyond this planet. When aliens finally land on Earth (probably to get their mind control technology back) elite Microsoft ninja's will sneak up and upload Vista into the alien's ship's computer. Then the aliens will have to upgrade their interstellar navigation, life support systems, and even their particle beam plasma cannons. At this point the aliens will have to bow and submit to the almighty Bill Gates as well.
It is clear that Microsoft must be stopped, but how? How can the great beast be slain? To do this Bill Gates must be eliminated. Microsoft is like the serpent; cut off the head and the body dies. But even then how could this be done? We believe we may have found their weakness. Microsoft's defenses are based around a large scale assault. Armies of robots stand at the ready to defend them against a large marauding force. What they don't count on is one lone stealth assassin, with the right tools, decent hacking skills, and a devil may care attitude. Do you have what it takes? If you think you do, here's what you'll need: A pistol with silencer, taser, tool kit for the bypassing and hacking of electronic devices, Navy Seal knife, small initial support team. Here's the game plan step by step:
1. Pull the movie cliché of grabbing a Microsoft employee of similar build as you on his way to work. Whoop his ass then take his clothes and ID badge.
2. Have your support team quickly work to use imaging equipment to put your face on the ID badge. That's all they're for, you're on your own for here on in.
3. Walk into the Microsoft building lobby. Try not to think about the robot guards standing at the entrance with laser blasters at the ready.
4. Take the first elevator up to the level with the programmer's cubicles. Find an unsuspecting dweeb and drive your knife into the base of his neck, killing him instantly with relatively little blood. Hide his body under the desk. By the time they find him, you'll be long gone. Use his computer to hack into the network and shut down the robot sentries guarding the next elevator. This shouldn't be too hard because we're talking about Microsoft systems after all.
5. Proceed to the elevator. Use your tool kit to bypass the elevator control circuits, allowing you to proceed to the next level.
6. Now you're on the executive floor. Patrol robots are everywhere. You'll need all your stealth to evade them. Find a janitor and taser him. You need not kill him because all you have to do then is gag him and steal his uniform.
7. Since the robots think you're just cleaning up, they'll now ignore you. Go the the final elevator that takes you to the top level. Tell the sentries guarding the elevator that you have to do some top level cleaning. If they buy it great. If they don't you're going to have to kick some robot ass. Maybe get them to shoot each other with clever maneuvers. Improvise, you're supposed to be a top assassin remember?
8. Use the tool kit to once again bypass the circuits allowing you elevator access to the top level, the belly of the beast. Your objective is close at hand.
9. Pretend like you're cleaning up then quickly duck into Bill Gates receptionist's office and close the door. Force the receptionist at gun point to shut down Gates' robot bodyguards and unlock the door to his office. Do what ever necessary to get this information out of them. Once this is done smash the intercom so Gates can't be warned.
10. Now you're ready. Your silenced pistol drawn. You think this is over. All you have to do now is kick the door open, raise your weapon, put two in the chest, one in the head and the world is saved, right? ... WRONG!!!
When most people see Bill Gates he looks like this:

Yeah right, as if a four-eyed freak like this could rise to that kind of level of power. What very few people know is that when Bill Gates appears in public or in the lower levels of his company he's actually in a full body disguise. But when he's in his comfy office at the top of his virtual citadel plotting his domination, he sees no point to stay in disguise. When you kick in that door, be prepared to take him on full force as you battle him in this, his true form:

If you still think you can defeat him good luck, and may the Force be with you.


Beer! That's Right. Frosty cold beer! It doesn't hardly get better than that. Ignore the chick with the tits for a second and just focus on the beer. (I'll get to tits later.) The amber goodness of life is one of mankind's greatest achievments. If you are religious at all (I'm personally not but have it your way.) You must believe that a higher power intervened to create beer. Beer is probably responsible for all good things in the world. Einstein was probably sitting around after a few pints of lager when he thought "You know what, I bet e=mc^2. Then after a few more more he probably wrote y=1/(√1-(v^2/c^2)). That calculates the time dialition coefficient due to relativity if you didn't know. If aliens landed on Earth today and we had no beer they would probably vaporize our planet out of spite. But if they came down and chugged a few brewskis with us, they'd probably bow down and worship us as their new gods. They'd share with us their advanced star flight technology, show us how to cure all disease, help us build a giant orbiting plasma cannon that could actively seek out and vaporize hippies, and let us have freaky alien sex with their females who probably have multiple vaginas. That's right, beer is that good!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

AvP: How to Fuck Up an Unfuckable Movie

If the diagram above was to be followed, the result would be a movie that rocks so hard, I'd leave the theater with a boner. The basic concept is just so simplistically awesome. Take the two most hard core, ass kicking extraterrestrials ever to grace the silver screen, put them in one movie and make them fight each other. As a bonus throw in some marines with their "state of the bad-ass art" weapons and you have a non-stop battle royale. Have the marine's dropship use the missiles and bombs that are shown being loaded on at the beginning of Aliens to blow the crap out of the alien hordes. Have the predators stalk a group of marines and laugh in triumph as they behead some chump. Have the alien hordes brawl and wail on the predators. Have the marine and predator ships blow the snot out each other in orbit. Have everybody try to kill everybody. Just sit back and watch total mayhem ensue. The plot practically writes itself. The writer could sit there, writing the screenplay with one hand while using the other to jerk it to internet porn and still have it come out brilliant. So, the question is: How could anybody possibly fuck this up? Well in Hollywood where there's a will there's a way. In this case that way came in the form of Paul W. Anderson who, low and behold, managed to fuck up the nearly unfuckable. Paul Anderson deserves to be kicked square in the nuts by every single movie goer who dished out their hard earned dough to watch a piece of trash that should have been the greatest thing since the invention of the blowjob. How did he screw it up so badly? How did it go so wrong? The list of things is so easy to make I'll of course do that right now.
1. Why the hell is the plot set in the present? This destroys the Alien timeline that takes place solely in the future. Also, no future setting, no cool futuristic marine weapons.
2. What's up with Lance Henriksen's character? Didn't the 'real' Bishop make an appearance in Alien 3? Do all of his descendants look exactly like him, or does he own a Flux Capacitor?
3. The lame assed pyramid beneath Antarctica of all places. Everybody knows there were many ancient cultures in Antarctica around to worship the predators. We've found so many artifacts there. Also the predators use a giant plasma ray to get to the pyramid. NASA or the Pentagon would never have noticed that.
4. Not a lot of actual Alien vs. Predator action. It is the title of the movie after all. The predators kill some weakly armed people then they do fight the aliens but not on any large scale level.
5. The predator, at the end, draws some symbol in acid on the chick's forehead because she killed an alien. My cousin and I thought he should have drawn a swastika or cock and balls instead. That would have been at least good for a laugh.
Now they have a sequel out, AvP: Requiem. I may rent it on DVD. I was hoping they'd learn from the mistake of the first film, but it looks like they're just going to drop another turd of a movie. Okay, rant over.

The World of Warcraft Must Die!

The World of Warcraft, seemingly, may actually be reversing evolution. The game is an infernal machine designed for one purpose, and one purpose alone: to devour one's life force. I've seen the vacant stares of those whose spirits have been torn out of them by the hungry, greedy, soul sucking, demonic abyss that is the World of Warcraft. (See above diagram. I know I can't draw, deal with it.) The souless victims of World of Warcraft largely compose of lonely men, and lonely men posing as women, pretending to be some sort of Lord of the Rings rip off creatures. (I'll get to my views on Lord of the Rings Later.) I've watched relatively normal people start playing that game and effectively get lobotomized by it. Now I say relatively normal people because they've usually already been partially brainwashed by Dungeons and Dragons or some other RPG.
On a side note, when people used to used the acronym RPG, I automatically assumed they meant Rocket Propelled Grenade. Those kind of RPGs cause explosions and, as everyone knows, explosions are cool. Then I found out that some people use RPG to mean Role Playing Game, and the term RPG was soiled for me forever.
Okay, back to World of Warcraft. Apparantly, the longer one plays the game the more "points" their virtual substitute for a life gains, and the weaker their soul gets, until they officially reach zombie status. I knew a guy who played the game even though he had friends over that drove four hours to hang out. (He told me about the 'points' thing I swear I've never actually played the game. I like my soul intact.) Instead of actual human interaction with people who went out of their way to see him, he stayed locked in World of Warcraft zombie mode. Me and my girlfriend had to hang out with them instead. They were assholes. Now I have to remember that the company that made the soul sucking abomination also made Starcraft, which was a pretty kick ass game, but that still doesn't quite absolve them for World of Warcraft. Another theory is that aliens created the game as a precursor to invasion.
Another funny thing is the commercials for World of Warcraft. I go to to watch the shows because I'm too poor to afford cable. Between show segments they have commercials for the game, in which a washed up actor like Mr. T or Mini Me from Austin Powers talks about how they play and how cool their character is. They end the pitch by asking the viewer: "What's your game?" What's my game? My game is fairly simple. My game is: getting laid. That's right, getting laid. I go to the bars I talk to chicks, sometime buy them drinks and try to make them laugh with my occasionally amusing wit. While I'm sure the World of Warcraft people find their virtual existense enthralling, I personally think that getting laid is much more satisfying.
In conclusion the World of Warcraft must be stopped for the good of humanity. I don't know how but it must be done. It might have a ultimate core or heart that once stabbed, destroys the whole thing. We might have to bring in someone like James Bond to find a way to accomplich the task, or perhaps John McClane. Maybe even Obi-Wan Kenobi. Help us Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Why should anybody care what I do everyday?

Seriously, what the hell are blogs for? I've seen people blog about how some person whined at them at work, what they had for lunch, who the they have a crush on, their day to day crap ect. The question you, and the whole world should be asking is WHO THE HELL CARES? Such inane garbage is hardly worth the whole 200kb of bandwidth it takes up. I'm only using this because I need a little bit of web space until I'm cool enough to have my own domain which will contain much more awesomeness than this stupid blog. I promise you readers that you will never have to endure me talking about my shitty job, my struggle to survive off of ramen noodles, or whose pants I'm currently trying to get into. What you will get is sarcasm, bitterness, and things that need to die in the interest of preserving the human race. On the other hand if I think something is the pinnacle of our evolution I'll let you know that too. I always write in complete sentences because plp who rit lik ths r IDIOTS! I'm also not a fan of bullshit like LOL, ROFL, but I might use ROFLBYFS. Figure that one out later. I must also say because this blog is v2.0 (I accidentally deleted the original.), this time I will take a moment to remind everybody that some of the posts herein contain ADULT CONTENT. I'm posting this now because even though I set my page to include the default 'adult content' warning. It seems to not always work so I'm telling you now. I don't write hate posts or the really creepy stuff, but I do use coarse language and sometimes extremely brief sexual references (also not the creepy kind). This blog may not be for the kiddies. Any way, enjoy.

You Can't Keep Me Down! Witness Version 2.0

Okay I had a just about the coolest blog ever written when I done messed up. I accidently posted the same post twice so I went to get rid of the duplicate and it asked me if I wanted to delete the blog. I thought it just meant that one post but noooooo it got rid of the WHOLE DAMN THING! This was my first blog, I didn't know, sue me. I spent one hell of a lot of time on some of the posts and I'm now I'm pissed! But can you defeat me? Do I fade away like a coward? NO! I will remake this blog, better than before and you will witness the awesomeness of version 2.0! NOW WITNESS IT!

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