What the Fuck is Earth Hour?!!

It was recently brought to my attention that something called 'Earth Hour' had occurred. I learned this after the fact because, after all, I generally don't give a shit about these sort of things. Nevertheless I took it upon myself to investigate and found out for reasons unknown, a lot of people decided to turn off all of their lights and electrical devices for one hour. Which hour this was is unknown to me, but what is not unknown is the sheer stupidity of the situation. For one, I love electricity. How could I possibly, play Halo 3, look at internet porn, and write these fine intelligent articles if it wasn't for electricity? I guess the point was to show how aware we are of energy consumption. That's all well and good (not really, sounds lame to me) but don't people understand the extreme dangers that such an irresponsible action can present. First of all, if all the lights are off that means darkness. If everything is dark, people will inevitably bump into things. This will result in some people getting head wounds which are fairly serious. If you don't believe me check this out: ,or see the below diagram.

These poor cranial injured people will call 911 for an ambulance for medical aid. Unfortunately with all the lights off the ambulance will probably crash into a building and then everyone in the ambulance will have head wounds as well. Head wounds suck.
What's even more amazing is the complete disregard of the obvious threat of vampires. With no light, these hell spawned bloodsuckers will have free reign over the major cities. It will be like happy hour at the local brew pub for them. One would be totally defenseless to prevent themselves from having their precious, precious Iron rich, oxygenated life fluid drained out of them by the insidious immortal Nosferatu.

They might even decide to force you to become a vampire yourself. This would be very bad but hell, at least you'd get to party with them every year during Earth Hour.
Another problem with this one hour of fucking pointlessness is the always looming possibility of an alien invasion, which would be even further facilitated by a global blackout. If an alien warship showed up in our orbit just prior to Earth Hour it would go something like this:

Gribnok: We have reached the planet known as 'Earth' by its inhabitants. Should we proceed in our campaign to invade and conquer this world?

Pragnar: Sir, as your chief military adviser, I must warn you that although we are more technologically advanced than the Earthlings, they still have sufficient technology that we would be detected and their weapons do pose a threat to us.

Gribnok: Hmm ... I see.

Pragnar: Also, we are far outnumbered by their military forces. An attack would be extremely risky and even if did succeed, I believe both we and the Earthlings would suffer severe casualties. However, I do have an alternative plan.

Gribnok: I'm listening.

Pragnar: If we wait 30 to 50 standard galactic time units, they may have advanced enough that we could make contact and attempt to sign a treaty with them, avoiding any bloodshed.

Gribnok: Yes, yes. This is a very strategic spot in the galaxy, they would make valuable allies in our struggle against the evil Zarcon Empire. Very well, we shall return in that period of time and attempt to form an alliance with these Humans.

Pragnar: A prudent decision Sir ... Wait a minute, all their lights just went out. They'll never see us coming, ATTACK NOW!

And so instead of having a glorious world unifying victory over marauding extraterrestrials, or even better signing a mutually beneficial treaty with them warding off an even greater threat, our planet would lie broken and we would be sent to work as slaves in the Uranium salt mines of the frozen ice planet Arzgon 5.

(Clicky, clicky or have problems reading reading. You know the drill.)

So if this 3600 seconds of idiocy somehow becomes an annual event, I know where I'll be next Earth Hour. I'll be surrounding my house with several million candlepower of floodlighting with me and my friends patrolling the perimeter with shotguns; nervously scanning the tree line for vampires, and the skies for alien spacecraft. If you're as smart as me you'll be doing the same.

Hippies Suck

Oh yeah right, as if I was sit there and expound on how great hippies are. Everyone knows that hippies suck. I mean it's a plain and simple fact. Gravity accelerates objects of mass towards a planet's center, at sea level water freezes from a liquid to a solid at 0˚C, it is impossible for one to travel at the speed of light, it's mathematically impossible to divide by zero, and hippies suck. I believe it's actually in the newest edition of Miriam-Webster's Dictionary. The entry for hippy says this:

hippy, n; Someone who sucks.

Encyclopedia Britannica had this to say in their entry:

Hippy (see suck).

Now I know there are probably people out there that think hippies aren't that bad. These people can safely be lumped in with those who think the Earth is flat, holocaust deniers, UFO enthusiasts, and those who think that pro wrestling isn't staged. These people should be pitied for their gullibility. Now at this point you might be thinking 'Well of course hippies suck, but why do they suck?' The answer is simpler than one might imagine. The biggest reason why hippies suck is they don't do anything. They have absolutely no purpose in life except to protest things. They'll protest anything, no matter trivial or inane it may seem to the rest of us. They'll protest things they know nothing about, except that their hippy buddy told them it was bad. They'll protest things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why do they do this you might ask? Well if they didn't protest something, their lives would be meaningless. Well, I mean more meaningless. Right now life is awesome for the hippy, because there is a Republican president in the White House and a war going on. This is their greatest fantasy; war is the ultimate vehicle for protest. As long as there is war that the U.S. is involved in, it's has to be wrong, and we're the bad guys. This gives them a reason to get off the couch they're surfing on, put the bong away, and do something. Now granted that that something is absolutely in no way productive. Yelling chanting and waving cardboard signs around hardly qualifies as a day of life altering constructiveness. Here's a day in the life of other people in comparison with hippies.

Trauma Surgeon: I saved the life of a 8 year old who accidentally got hit by a bus.

Pilot: I safely flew, navigated and landed a 300 ton piece of metal moving 600 mph and carrying 400 people.

Detective: I tracked and nabbed a serial rapist, then threw him in the slammer.

Hippy: I waved signs and yelled outside the office of the city head of water and sewage, to let him know that he needs to stop the war and to tell the world how evil George W. Bush is.

See the discrepancy here. The interesting thing to see will be in January 2009 when ol' Dubya leaves office and the hippies will realize that without him to protest, their lives are meaningless hollow shells of an existence. Hopefully it'll go something like this:


(Click on this graphic please, you won't be able to read it otherwise and it took me an assload of time to draw and scan it; even though I can't draw.)

Other than the protests there are other reasons hippies suck, like this:



Yeah, they actually try to buy things with beads and crystals. I had a friend who worked at a liquor store here in hippy central where I live, and he had to have a sign in the store to inform patrons that crystals, beads and pot were not acceptable forms of compensation for the store's merchandise.

And thirdly they smell bad. Really bad. That's fairly simple.

Now at this point you must be thinking "What can I do about the Hippy problem? I live in northern California which is hippy central, so I just so happen to be a seasoned veteran of anti-hippy tactics. There are a few methods to fight a hippy infestation. For one thing, here's what not to do:



That's right, whatever you do, do not try to convince a hippy that they're wrong through rational thought. This is about as futile as convincing a born again Christian that Jesus sold crack to three-year olds. So here's some things you can do to take care of hippies.

1. Brute Force:


Now I know you're thinking to yourself "This guy's getting lazy. He used the same graphic he used for the Rambo article." Would I do that to you? It's obviously a different graphic. Although the guy firing the machine gun is, in fact still Rambo, the dead guys are obviously hippies instead. You'll notice that the severed heads now have "white guy dreads". Anyone with white guy dreads, is clearly a hippy.

I've also clearly labeled the victims as "hippies".
This approach, while very gratifying, is a bit conspicuous. Someone's bound to notice and the fine for killing that many hippies is somewhere around $75, and you have get up early to make the court date. Also Rambo is very costly to hire.

2. Piss Them Off:
The best way to do this is to load your pocket with quarters. Lots of quarters. Make sure your pockets are bulging with the to the point where the sheer weight of the coins are pulling your pants down. With your pants making a "Ka-ching. ka-ching." with every step, walk past a hippy. The hippy will be drawn to this and invariably ask you if you have change. Say yes. If they ask if they can have some, say no, and keep walking. I find this very effective.

3. Use Repellent:
Yes there actually is hippy repellent, things they cannot tolerate. I'll show you by analogy.

In reality you can use any cleaning supply, as hippies are deathly afraid of being clean, it's just that Lysol is the brand leader in household disinfectants, and comes in a handy aerosol can that is easy to deploy.
Well I hope this has been educational look into how to deal with hippies. This should give you all the knowledge you need to combat the scourge. If a friend or relative runs into a hippy problem, feel free to refer them to this highly informative article.

The Cultural Contributions of Hippy Movement Into the 21st Century

I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on the contributions to society that the hippy movement has had in these trying times. I've created a list of what these activists have done to improve the world condition today.

1. Well they, uh ...
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.Alright, you know what, forget I said anything. Hippies suck!
Which leads me nicely into my next article.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>^^^^^(Look up asshole!)

St. Patrick's Day Kicks Ass

Last month I bitched about how much I hate Valentine's day. Fortunately only one month later we get redeemed by St. Patrick's day. How great is a day set aside to drink beer (see prior post titled "Beer!") and get plowed. I don't have a drop of Irish blood in me and really don't give a rat's ass who exactly St. Patrick was or what he did; I just want another fucking Guinness. I realize that the holiday was 12 days ago but I was too hung over to write, then I sort of forgot about it. This post was to have cool graphics like all my other articles, but that's just too much effort for something that was a week and a half ago, so tough shit. A man needs to move on. Stay tune for more stuff with graphics because seriously, there's better stuff to waste my time writing about.