Thursday, January 24, 2008

The World of Warcraft Must Die!

The World of Warcraft, seemingly, may actually be reversing evolution. The game is an infernal machine designed for one purpose, and one purpose alone: to devour one's life force. I've seen the vacant stares of those whose spirits have been torn out of them by the hungry, greedy, soul sucking, demonic abyss that is the World of Warcraft. (See above diagram. I know I can't draw, deal with it.) The souless victims of World of Warcraft largely compose of lonely men, and lonely men posing as women, pretending to be some sort of Lord of the Rings rip off creatures. (I'll get to my views on Lord of the Rings Later.) I've watched relatively normal people start playing that game and effectively get lobotomized by it. Now I say relatively normal people because they've usually already been partially brainwashed by Dungeons and Dragons or some other RPG.
On a side note, when people used to used the acronym RPG, I automatically assumed they meant Rocket Propelled Grenade. Those kind of RPGs cause explosions and, as everyone knows, explosions are cool. Then I found out that some people use RPG to mean Role Playing Game, and the term RPG was soiled for me forever.
Okay, back to World of Warcraft. Apparantly, the longer one plays the game the more "points" their virtual substitute for a life gains, and the weaker their soul gets, until they officially reach zombie status. I knew a guy who played the game even though he had friends over that drove four hours to hang out. (He told me about the 'points' thing I swear I've never actually played the game. I like my soul intact.) Instead of actual human interaction with people who went out of their way to see him, he stayed locked in World of Warcraft zombie mode. Me and my girlfriend had to hang out with them instead. They were assholes. Now I have to remember that the company that made the soul sucking abomination also made Starcraft, which was a pretty kick ass game, but that still doesn't quite absolve them for World of Warcraft. Another theory is that aliens created the game as a precursor to invasion.
Another funny thing is the commercials for World of Warcraft. I go to to watch the shows because I'm too poor to afford cable. Between show segments they have commercials for the game, in which a washed up actor like Mr. T or Mini Me from Austin Powers talks about how they play and how cool their character is. They end the pitch by asking the viewer: "What's your game?" What's my game? My game is fairly simple. My game is: getting laid. That's right, getting laid. I go to the bars I talk to chicks, sometime buy them drinks and try to make them laugh with my occasionally amusing wit. While I'm sure the World of Warcraft people find their virtual existense enthralling, I personally think that getting laid is much more satisfying.
In conclusion the World of Warcraft must be stopped for the good of humanity. I don't know how but it must be done. It might have a ultimate core or heart that once stabbed, destroys the whole thing. We might have to bring in someone like James Bond to find a way to accomplich the task, or perhaps John McClane. Maybe even Obi-Wan Kenobi. Help us Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope.

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