Thursday, January 24, 2008

AvP: How to Fuck Up an Unfuckable Movie

If the diagram above was to be followed, the result would be a movie that rocks so hard, I'd leave the theater with a boner. The basic concept is just so simplistically awesome. Take the two most hard core, ass kicking extraterrestrials ever to grace the silver screen, put them in one movie and make them fight each other. As a bonus throw in some marines with their "state of the bad-ass art" weapons and you have a non-stop battle royale. Have the marine's dropship use the missiles and bombs that are shown being loaded on at the beginning of Aliens to blow the crap out of the alien hordes. Have the predators stalk a group of marines and laugh in triumph as they behead some chump. Have the alien hordes brawl and wail on the predators. Have the marine and predator ships blow the snot out each other in orbit. Have everybody try to kill everybody. Just sit back and watch total mayhem ensue. The plot practically writes itself. The writer could sit there, writing the screenplay with one hand while using the other to jerk it to internet porn and still have it come out brilliant. So, the question is: How could anybody possibly fuck this up? Well in Hollywood where there's a will there's a way. In this case that way came in the form of Paul W. Anderson who, low and behold, managed to fuck up the nearly unfuckable. Paul Anderson deserves to be kicked square in the nuts by every single movie goer who dished out their hard earned dough to watch a piece of trash that should have been the greatest thing since the invention of the blowjob. How did he screw it up so badly? How did it go so wrong? The list of things is so easy to make I'll of course do that right now.
1. Why the hell is the plot set in the present? This destroys the Alien timeline that takes place solely in the future. Also, no future setting, no cool futuristic marine weapons.
2. What's up with Lance Henriksen's character? Didn't the 'real' Bishop make an appearance in Alien 3? Do all of his descendants look exactly like him, or does he own a Flux Capacitor?
3. The lame assed pyramid beneath Antarctica of all places. Everybody knows there were many ancient cultures in Antarctica around to worship the predators. We've found so many artifacts there. Also the predators use a giant plasma ray to get to the pyramid. NASA or the Pentagon would never have noticed that.
4. Not a lot of actual Alien vs. Predator action. It is the title of the movie after all. The predators kill some weakly armed people then they do fight the aliens but not on any large scale level.
5. The predator, at the end, draws some symbol in acid on the chick's forehead because she killed an alien. My cousin and I thought he should have drawn a swastika or cock and balls instead. That would have been at least good for a laugh.
Now they have a sequel out, AvP: Requiem. I may rent it on DVD. I was hoping they'd learn from the mistake of the first film, but it looks like they're just going to drop another turd of a movie. Okay, rant over.

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