Microsoft Must Die! (But It Won't Be Easy.)

It should be simply obvious by now that Microsoft is by far the most evil entity in existence on our planet today. The Taliban, Al Queda, Pol Pot? Pussies compared with Microsoft. Even Hitler's Third Reich or Stalinistic Communism would have barely held a candle to the sinister software juggernaut. It is clearly obvious what Microsoft's chief Führer Bill Gates' endgame is: World domination ... and beyond!
His plan for the demise of free will started out simply enough. Create a GUI similar to Apple's but with slightly more bugs. Every time the 'blue screen of death' appeared, the computer was actually reading your thoughts via alien technology that Gates acquired through the blackmailing of an unnamed governmant official (according to our latest intelligence). "Illegal operation" indeed! Each new installment of Windows, so named because it was literally a 'window' to your most intimate thoughts, made the user more and more reliant on it. Eventually Microsoft started to force users to upgrade their software applications with every new installment of their diabolical operating system, while the mind reading technology continued to improve under the personal supervision of Gates' and a close elite inner circle of developers. Windows Vista, may very well be the end of human kind as we know it. Vista not only requires the upgrade of software, but also of peripheral hardware components. Think of the implications of this. With Vista, and perhaps even more subversive later versions, combined with Gates' mind control technology, Microsoft can then coerce the military into adopting their software. By doing that they will also have to upgrade their hardware which, instead of a simple printer, will include ICBM launch operations, cruise missile targeting systems, spy satellite communications just to name a few. With some clever backdoor programming Bill Gates will effetively control all NATO military systems and hold the world in the palm of his hand. Think Skynet from the Terminator movies but under Microsoft's control. With the threat of him ending civilization with a nuclear holocaust, Gates will then force the human race to bow down, and submit to him as the supreme ruler of Earth. This information was given to us, the resistance movement, in the form of a Powerpoint presentation stolen by secret operatives that have infiltrated Microsoft with extreme risk to themselves.
While that might seem bad enough, Microsoft's domination may plan to extend beyond this planet. When aliens finally land on Earth (probably to get their mind control technology back) elite Microsoft ninja's will sneak up and upload Vista into the alien's ship's computer. Then the aliens will have to upgrade their interstellar navigation, life support systems, and even their particle beam plasma cannons. At this point the aliens will have to bow and submit to the almighty Bill Gates as well.
It is clear that Microsoft must be stopped, but how? How can the great beast be slain? To do this Bill Gates must be eliminated. Microsoft is like the serpent; cut off the head and the body dies. But even then how could this be done? We believe we may have found their weakness. Microsoft's defenses are based around a large scale assault. Armies of robots stand at the ready to defend them against a large marauding force. What they don't count on is one lone stealth assassin, with the right tools, decent hacking skills, and a devil may care attitude. Do you have what it takes? If you think you do, here's what you'll need: A pistol with silencer, taser, tool kit for the bypassing and hacking of electronic devices, Navy Seal knife, small initial support team. Here's the game plan step by step:
1. Pull the movie cliché of grabbing a Microsoft employee of similar build as you on his way to work. Whoop his ass then take his clothes and ID badge.
2. Have your support team quickly work to use imaging equipment to put your face on the ID badge. That's all they're for, you're on your own for here on in.
3. Walk into the Microsoft building lobby. Try not to think about the robot guards standing at the entrance with laser blasters at the ready.
4. Take the first elevator up to the level with the programmer's cubicles. Find an unsuspecting dweeb and drive your knife into the base of his neck, killing him instantly with relatively little blood. Hide his body under the desk. By the time they find him, you'll be long gone. Use his computer to hack into the network and shut down the robot sentries guarding the next elevator. This shouldn't be too hard because we're talking about Microsoft systems after all.
5. Proceed to the elevator. Use your tool kit to bypass the elevator control circuits, allowing you to proceed to the next level.
6. Now you're on the executive floor. Patrol robots are everywhere. You'll need all your stealth to evade them. Find a janitor and taser him. You need not kill him because all you have to do then is gag him and steal his uniform.
7. Since the robots think you're just cleaning up, they'll now ignore you. Go the the final elevator that takes you to the top level. Tell the sentries guarding the elevator that you have to do some top level cleaning. If they buy it great. If they don't you're going to have to kick some robot ass. Maybe get them to shoot each other with clever maneuvers. Improvise, you're supposed to be a top assassin remember?
8. Use the tool kit to once again bypass the circuits allowing you elevator access to the top level, the belly of the beast. Your objective is close at hand.
9. Pretend like you're cleaning up then quickly duck into Bill Gates receptionist's office and close the door. Force the receptionist at gun point to shut down Gates' robot bodyguards and unlock the door to his office. Do what ever necessary to get this information out of them. Once this is done smash the intercom so Gates can't be warned.
10. Now you're ready. Your silenced pistol drawn. You think this is over. All you have to do now is kick the door open, raise your weapon, put two in the chest, one in the head and the world is saved, right? ... WRONG!!!
When most people see Bill Gates he looks like this:



Yeah right, as if a four-eyed freak like this could rise to that kind of level of power. What very few people know is that when Bill Gates appears in public or in the lower levels of his company he's actually in a full body disguise. But when he's in his comfy office at the top of his virtual citadel plotting his domination, he sees no point to stay in disguise. When you kick in that door, be prepared to take him on full force as you battle him in this, his true form:



If you still think you can defeat him good luck, and may the Force be with you.

The World of Warcraft Must Die!

The World of Warcraft, seemingly, may actually be reversing evolution. The game is an infernal machine designed for one purpose, and one purpose alone: to devour one's life force. I've seen the vacant stares of those whose spirits have been torn out of them by the hungry, greedy, soul sucking, demonic abyss that is the World of Warcraft. (See above diagram. I know I can't draw, deal with it.) The souless victims of World of Warcraft largely compose of lonely men, and lonely men posing as women, pretending to be some sort of Lord of the Rings rip off creatures. (I'll get to my views on Lord of the Rings Later.) I've watched relatively normal people start playing that game and effectively get lobotomized by it. Now I say relatively normal people because they've usually already been partially brainwashed by Dungeons and Dragons or some other RPG.
On a side note, when people used to used the acronym RPG, I automatically assumed they meant Rocket Propelled Grenade. Those kind of RPGs cause explosions and, as everyone knows, explosions are cool. Then I found out that some people use RPG to mean Role Playing Game, and the term RPG was soiled for me forever.
Okay, back to World of Warcraft. Apparantly, the longer one plays the game the more "points" their virtual substitute for a life gains, and the weaker their soul gets, until they officially reach zombie status. I knew a guy who played the game even though he had friends over that drove four hours to hang out. (He told me about the 'points' thing I swear I've never actually played the game. I like my soul intact.) Instead of actual human interaction with people who went out of their way to see him, he stayed locked in World of Warcraft zombie mode. Me and my girlfriend had to hang out with them instead. They were assholes. Now I have to remember that the company that made the soul sucking abomination also made Starcraft, which was a pretty kick ass game, but that still doesn't quite absolve them for World of Warcraft. Another theory is that aliens created the game as a precursor to invasion.
Another funny thing is the commercials for World of Warcraft. I go to Adultswim.com to watch the shows because I'm too poor to afford cable. Between show segments they have commercials for the game, in which a washed up actor like Mr. T or Mini Me from Austin Powers talks about how they play and how cool their character is. They end the pitch by asking the viewer: "What's your game?" What's my game? My game is fairly simple. My game is: getting laid. That's right, getting laid. I go to the bars I talk to chicks, sometime buy them drinks and try to make them laugh with my occasionally amusing wit. While I'm sure the World of Warcraft people find their virtual existense enthralling, I personally think that getting laid is much more satisfying.
In conclusion the World of Warcraft must be stopped for the good of humanity. I don't know how but it must be done. It might have a ultimate core or heart that once stabbed, destroys the whole thing. We might have to bring in someone like James Bond to find a way to accomplich the task, or perhaps John McClane. Maybe even Obi-Wan Kenobi. Help us Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope.