Thursday, June 5, 2008
Wow, I'm a Lazy Asshole!
Man, I just realized today what a lazy asshole I've been. I mean my last post was, what, in fucking March? I just skipped April and May, probably because I was too busy boozing it up and looking at internet porn. Although those activities are not complete wastes of time, you'd still think that I'd have a small segment of my day left over to update this blog. This is true, except that I decided to be a lazy asshole instead. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to look at more tits and get working on my next bender.
Monday, March 31, 2008
What the Fuck is Earth Hour?!!
It was recently brought to my attention that something called 'Earth Hour' had occurred. I learned this after the fact because, after all, I generally don't give a shit about these sort of things. Nevertheless I took it upon myself to investigate and found out for reasons unknown, a lot of people decided to turn off all of their lights and electrical devices for one hour. Which hour this was is unknown to me, but what is not unknown is the sheer stupidity of the situation. For one, I love electricity. How could I possibly, play Halo 3, look at internet porn, and write these fine intelligent articles if it wasn't for electricity? I guess the point was to show how aware we are of energy consumption. That's all well and good (not really, sounds lame to me) but don't people understand the extreme dangers that such an irresponsible action can present. First of all, if all the lights are off that means darkness. If everything is dark, people will inevitably bump into things. This will result in some people getting head wounds which are fairly serious. If you don't believe me check this out: ,or see the below diagram.
These poor cranial injured people will call 911 for an ambulance for medical aid. Unfortunately with all the lights off the ambulance will probably crash into a building and then everyone in the ambulance will have head wounds as well. Head wounds suck.
What's even more amazing is the complete disregard of the obvious threat of vampires. With no light, these hell spawned bloodsuckers will have free reign over the major cities. It will be like happy hour at the local brew pub for them. One would be totally defenseless to prevent themselves from having their precious, precious Iron rich, oxygenated life fluid drained out of them by the insidious immortal Nosferatu.
They might even decide to force you to become a vampire yourself. This would be very bad but hell, at least you'd get to party with them every year during Earth Hour.
Another problem with this one hour of fucking pointlessness is the always looming possibility of an alien invasion, which would be even further facilitated by a global blackout. If an alien warship showed up in our orbit just prior to Earth Hour it would go something like this:
Gribnok: We have reached the planet known as 'Earth' by its inhabitants. Should we proceed in our campaign to invade and conquer this world?
Pragnar: Sir, as your chief military adviser, I must warn you that although we are more technologically advanced than the Earthlings, they still have sufficient technology that we would be detected and their weapons do pose a threat to us.
Gribnok: Hmm ... I see.
Pragnar: Also, we are far outnumbered by their military forces. An attack would be extremely risky and even if did succeed, I believe both we and the Earthlings would suffer severe casualties. However, I do have an alternative plan.
Gribnok: I'm listening.
Pragnar: If we wait 30 to 50 standard galactic time units, they may have advanced enough that we could make contact and attempt to sign a treaty with them, avoiding any bloodshed.
Gribnok: Yes, yes. This is a very strategic spot in the galaxy, they would make valuable allies in our struggle against the evil Zarcon Empire. Very well, we shall return in that period of time and attempt to form an alliance with these Humans.
Pragnar: A prudent decision Sir ... Wait a minute, all their lights just went out. They'll never see us coming, ATTACK NOW!
And so instead of having a glorious world unifying victory over marauding extraterrestrials, or even better signing a mutually beneficial treaty with them warding off an even greater threat, our planet would lie broken and we would be sent to work as slaves in the Uranium salt mines of the frozen ice planet Arzgon 5.
(Clicky, clicky or have problems reading reading. You know the drill.)
So if this 3600 seconds of idiocy somehow becomes an annual event, I know where I'll be next Earth Hour. I'll be surrounding my house with several million candlepower of floodlighting with me and my friends patrolling the perimeter with shotguns; nervously scanning the tree line for vampires, and the skies for alien spacecraft. If you're as smart as me you'll be doing the same.
These poor cranial injured people will call 911 for an ambulance for medical aid. Unfortunately with all the lights off the ambulance will probably crash into a building and then everyone in the ambulance will have head wounds as well. Head wounds suck.
What's even more amazing is the complete disregard of the obvious threat of vampires. With no light, these hell spawned bloodsuckers will have free reign over the major cities. It will be like happy hour at the local brew pub for them. One would be totally defenseless to prevent themselves from having their precious, precious Iron rich, oxygenated life fluid drained out of them by the insidious immortal Nosferatu.
They might even decide to force you to become a vampire yourself. This would be very bad but hell, at least you'd get to party with them every year during Earth Hour.
Another problem with this one hour of fucking pointlessness is the always looming possibility of an alien invasion, which would be even further facilitated by a global blackout. If an alien warship showed up in our orbit just prior to Earth Hour it would go something like this:
Gribnok: We have reached the planet known as 'Earth' by its inhabitants. Should we proceed in our campaign to invade and conquer this world?
Pragnar: Sir, as your chief military adviser, I must warn you that although we are more technologically advanced than the Earthlings, they still have sufficient technology that we would be detected and their weapons do pose a threat to us.
Gribnok: Hmm ... I see.
Pragnar: Also, we are far outnumbered by their military forces. An attack would be extremely risky and even if did succeed, I believe both we and the Earthlings would suffer severe casualties. However, I do have an alternative plan.
Gribnok: I'm listening.
Pragnar: If we wait 30 to 50 standard galactic time units, they may have advanced enough that we could make contact and attempt to sign a treaty with them, avoiding any bloodshed.
Gribnok: Yes, yes. This is a very strategic spot in the galaxy, they would make valuable allies in our struggle against the evil Zarcon Empire. Very well, we shall return in that period of time and attempt to form an alliance with these Humans.
Pragnar: A prudent decision Sir ... Wait a minute, all their lights just went out. They'll never see us coming, ATTACK NOW!
And so instead of having a glorious world unifying victory over marauding extraterrestrials, or even better signing a mutually beneficial treaty with them warding off an even greater threat, our planet would lie broken and we would be sent to work as slaves in the Uranium salt mines of the frozen ice planet Arzgon 5.
(Clicky, clicky or have problems reading reading. You know the drill.)
So if this 3600 seconds of idiocy somehow becomes an annual event, I know where I'll be next Earth Hour. I'll be surrounding my house with several million candlepower of floodlighting with me and my friends patrolling the perimeter with shotguns; nervously scanning the tree line for vampires, and the skies for alien spacecraft. If you're as smart as me you'll be doing the same.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Hippies Suck
Oh yeah right, as if I was sit there and expound on how great hippies are. Everyone knows that hippies suck. I mean it's a plain and simple fact. Gravity accelerates objects of mass towards a planet's center, at sea level water freezes from a liquid to a solid at 0˚C, it is impossible for one to travel at the speed of light, it's mathematically impossible to divide by zero, and hippies suck. I believe it's actually in the newest edition of Miriam-Webster's Dictionary. The entry for hippy says this:
hippy, n; Someone who sucks.
Encyclopedia Britannica had this to say in their entry:
Hippy (see suck).
Now I know there are probably people out there that think hippies aren't that bad. These people can safely be lumped in with those who think the Earth is flat, holocaust deniers, UFO enthusiasts, and those who think that pro wrestling isn't staged. These people should be pitied for their gullibility. Now at this point you might be thinking 'Well of course hippies suck, but why do they suck?' The answer is simpler than one might imagine. The biggest reason why hippies suck is they don't do anything. They have absolutely no purpose in life except to protest things. They'll protest anything, no matter trivial or inane it may seem to the rest of us. They'll protest things they know nothing about, except that their hippy buddy told them it was bad. They'll protest things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why do they do this you might ask? Well if they didn't protest something, their lives would be meaningless. Well, I mean more meaningless. Right now life is awesome for the hippy, because there is a Republican president in the White House and a war going on. This is their greatest fantasy; war is the ultimate vehicle for protest. As long as there is war that the U.S. is involved in, it's has to be wrong, and we're the bad guys. This gives them a reason to get off the couch they're surfing on, put the bong away, and do something. Now granted that that something is absolutely in no way productive. Yelling chanting and waving cardboard signs around hardly qualifies as a day of life altering constructiveness. Here's a day in the life of other people in comparison with hippies.
Trauma Surgeon: I saved the life of a 8 year old who accidentally got hit by a bus.
Pilot: I safely flew, navigated and landed a 300 ton piece of metal moving 600 mph and carrying 400 people.
Detective: I tracked and nabbed a serial rapist, then threw him in the slammer.
Hippy: I waved signs and yelled outside the office of the city head of water and sewage, to let him know that he needs to stop the war and to tell the world how evil George W. Bush is.
See the discrepancy here. The interesting thing to see will be in January 2009 when ol' Dubya leaves office and the hippies will realize that without him to protest, their lives are meaningless hollow shells of an existence. Hopefully it'll go something like this:
(Click on this graphic please, you won't be able to read it otherwise and it took me an assload of time to draw and scan it; even though I can't draw.)
Other than the protests there are other reasons hippies suck, like this:
Yeah, they actually try to buy things with beads and crystals. I had a friend who worked at a liquor store here in hippy central where I live, and he had to have a sign in the store to inform patrons that crystals, beads and pot were not acceptable forms of compensation for the store's merchandise.
And thirdly they smell bad. Really bad. That's fairly simple.
Now at this point you must be thinking "What can I do about the Hippy problem? I live in northern California which is hippy central, so I just so happen to be a seasoned veteran of anti-hippy tactics. There are a few methods to fight a hippy infestation. For one thing, here's what not to do:
That's right, whatever you do, do not try to convince a hippy that they're wrong through rational thought. This is about as futile as convincing a born again Christian that Jesus sold crack to three-year olds. So here's some things you can do to take care of hippies.
1. Brute Force:
Now I know you're thinking to yourself "This guy's getting lazy. He used the same graphic he used for the Rambo article." Would I do that to you? It's obviously a different graphic. Although the guy firing the machine gun is, in fact still Rambo, the dead guys are obviously hippies instead. You'll notice that the severed heads now have "white guy dreads". Anyone with white guy dreads, is clearly a hippy.
I've also clearly labeled the victims as "hippies".
This approach, while very gratifying, is a bit conspicuous. Someone's bound to notice and the fine for killing that many hippies is somewhere around $75, and you have get up early to make the court date. Also Rambo is very costly to hire.
2. Piss Them Off:
The best way to do this is to load your pocket with quarters. Lots of quarters. Make sure your pockets are bulging with the to the point where the sheer weight of the coins are pulling your pants down. With your pants making a "Ka-ching. ka-ching." with every step, walk past a hippy. The hippy will be drawn to this and invariably ask you if you have change. Say yes. If they ask if they can have some, say no, and keep walking. I find this very effective.
3. Use Repellent:
Yes there actually is hippy repellent, things they cannot tolerate. I'll show you by analogy.
In reality you can use any cleaning supply, as hippies are deathly afraid of being clean, it's just that Lysol is the brand leader in household disinfectants, and comes in a handy aerosol can that is easy to deploy.
Well I hope this has been educational look into how to deal with hippies. This should give you all the knowledge you need to combat the scourge. If a friend or relative runs into a hippy problem, feel free to refer them to this highly informative article.
hippy, n; Someone who sucks.
Encyclopedia Britannica had this to say in their entry:
Hippy (see suck).
Now I know there are probably people out there that think hippies aren't that bad. These people can safely be lumped in with those who think the Earth is flat, holocaust deniers, UFO enthusiasts, and those who think that pro wrestling isn't staged. These people should be pitied for their gullibility. Now at this point you might be thinking 'Well of course hippies suck, but why do they suck?' The answer is simpler than one might imagine. The biggest reason why hippies suck is they don't do anything. They have absolutely no purpose in life except to protest things. They'll protest anything, no matter trivial or inane it may seem to the rest of us. They'll protest things they know nothing about, except that their hippy buddy told them it was bad. They'll protest things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Why do they do this you might ask? Well if they didn't protest something, their lives would be meaningless. Well, I mean more meaningless. Right now life is awesome for the hippy, because there is a Republican president in the White House and a war going on. This is their greatest fantasy; war is the ultimate vehicle for protest. As long as there is war that the U.S. is involved in, it's has to be wrong, and we're the bad guys. This gives them a reason to get off the couch they're surfing on, put the bong away, and do something. Now granted that that something is absolutely in no way productive. Yelling chanting and waving cardboard signs around hardly qualifies as a day of life altering constructiveness. Here's a day in the life of other people in comparison with hippies.
Trauma Surgeon: I saved the life of a 8 year old who accidentally got hit by a bus.
Pilot: I safely flew, navigated and landed a 300 ton piece of metal moving 600 mph and carrying 400 people.
Detective: I tracked and nabbed a serial rapist, then threw him in the slammer.
Hippy: I waved signs and yelled outside the office of the city head of water and sewage, to let him know that he needs to stop the war and to tell the world how evil George W. Bush is.
See the discrepancy here. The interesting thing to see will be in January 2009 when ol' Dubya leaves office and the hippies will realize that without him to protest, their lives are meaningless hollow shells of an existence. Hopefully it'll go something like this:
(Click on this graphic please, you won't be able to read it otherwise and it took me an assload of time to draw and scan it; even though I can't draw.)
Other than the protests there are other reasons hippies suck, like this:
Yeah, they actually try to buy things with beads and crystals. I had a friend who worked at a liquor store here in hippy central where I live, and he had to have a sign in the store to inform patrons that crystals, beads and pot were not acceptable forms of compensation for the store's merchandise.
And thirdly they smell bad. Really bad. That's fairly simple.
Now at this point you must be thinking "What can I do about the Hippy problem? I live in northern California which is hippy central, so I just so happen to be a seasoned veteran of anti-hippy tactics. There are a few methods to fight a hippy infestation. For one thing, here's what not to do:
That's right, whatever you do, do not try to convince a hippy that they're wrong through rational thought. This is about as futile as convincing a born again Christian that Jesus sold crack to three-year olds. So here's some things you can do to take care of hippies.
1. Brute Force:
Now I know you're thinking to yourself "This guy's getting lazy. He used the same graphic he used for the Rambo article." Would I do that to you? It's obviously a different graphic. Although the guy firing the machine gun is, in fact still Rambo, the dead guys are obviously hippies instead. You'll notice that the severed heads now have "white guy dreads". Anyone with white guy dreads, is clearly a hippy.
I've also clearly labeled the victims as "hippies".
This approach, while very gratifying, is a bit conspicuous. Someone's bound to notice and the fine for killing that many hippies is somewhere around $75, and you have get up early to make the court date. Also Rambo is very costly to hire.
2. Piss Them Off:
The best way to do this is to load your pocket with quarters. Lots of quarters. Make sure your pockets are bulging with the to the point where the sheer weight of the coins are pulling your pants down. With your pants making a "Ka-ching. ka-ching." with every step, walk past a hippy. The hippy will be drawn to this and invariably ask you if you have change. Say yes. If they ask if they can have some, say no, and keep walking. I find this very effective.
3. Use Repellent:
Yes there actually is hippy repellent, things they cannot tolerate. I'll show you by analogy.
In reality you can use any cleaning supply, as hippies are deathly afraid of being clean, it's just that Lysol is the brand leader in household disinfectants, and comes in a handy aerosol can that is easy to deploy.
Well I hope this has been educational look into how to deal with hippies. This should give you all the knowledge you need to combat the scourge. If a friend or relative runs into a hippy problem, feel free to refer them to this highly informative article.
The Cultural Contributions of Hippy Movement Into the 21st Century
I thought I'd take a moment to reflect on the contributions to society that the hippy movement has had in these trying times. I've created a list of what these activists have done to improve the world condition today.
1. Well they, uh ...
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. ummm
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. Ok, I think I got something.
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. Never mind lost it.
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.What was I writing about again? Oh yeah well...
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.Wow, that train of thought just totally derailed right at the boarding station.
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.Oh wait I've got it!
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.No, no, those were the Shriners I was thinking of.
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.Damn, this is tougher than I thought.
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. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, yeeeeah um.
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.Alright, you know what, forget I said anything. Hippies suck!
Which leads me nicely into my next article.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>^^^^^(Look up asshole!)
1. Well they, uh ...
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. ummm
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. Ok, I think I got something.
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. Never mind lost it.
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.What was I writing about again? Oh yeah well...
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.Wow, that train of thought just totally derailed right at the boarding station.
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.Oh wait I've got it!
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.No, no, those were the Shriners I was thinking of.
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.Damn, this is tougher than I thought.
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. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, yeeeeah um.
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.Alright, you know what, forget I said anything. Hippies suck!
Which leads me nicely into my next article.>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>^^^^^(Look up asshole!)
St. Patrick's Day Kicks Ass
Last month I bitched about how much I hate Valentine's day. Fortunately only one month later we get redeemed by St. Patrick's day. How great is a day set aside to drink beer (see prior post titled "Beer!") and get plowed. I don't have a drop of Irish blood in me and really don't give a rat's ass who exactly St. Patrick was or what he did; I just want another fucking Guinness. I realize that the holiday was 12 days ago but I was too hung over to write, then I sort of forgot about it. This post was to have cool graphics like all my other articles, but that's just too much effort for something that was a week and a half ago, so tough shit. A man needs to move on. Stay tune for more stuff with graphics because seriously, there's better stuff to waste my time writing about.
Friday, February 22, 2008
RAMBO!
My Big Fat Movie Review
Rambo (2008)
dir. Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone
Julie Benz
Plot: 3/10
Acting: 4/10
Awesomeness: 11/10
Since, if you've been reading my posts, you know by now how much I hate Valentine's Day. My tradition on Valentine's day was always to make myself feel better by watching an incredibly violent movie. Usually I have to rent, but this year there was one in the theaters. Therefore I had the pleasure of getting to mosey on down to the local cinema and watch the fourth installment of Rambo. The movie was in it's last running day and I went to a matinée, so I had the whole theater to myself. There I could sit back and take in the bloodshed unencumbered. The plot of Rambo 4 goes something like this: In Burma, or Myanmar or whatever the hell they're calling that country these days, lots of poor villagers are being terrorized by the Burmese military bad guys. Rambo starts off his day like any man, by catching King Cobras to sell to the Thai. Then some Christian missionaries waltz in and have Rambo take them to Burma. Apparently the power of Christ compels them to be total fucktards and walk in to a war zone unarmed. Of course the bad guys, who are a little smarter and do have weapons, walk in, kick their ass and take their wallets. Then Rambo and some mercenaries have to go in and get them. Rambo is torn and doesn't want to kill anymore, but then remembers that he's really really good at killing people and decides 'Ah, what the hell.' Then it's basically carnage galore. There's a particular cool Aussie merc. who pops off bad guy's heads with a .50 sniper rifle. He should have thrown in the one liner "That's Australian for DEAD!" Anyway Rambo kills everyone and everything is lollipops and sunshine. Below is scene from the movie:
So, if you like seeing people shot, machine gunned, skewered with arrows, blown up with mines, hacked up and disemboweled, this one's for you. Remember kids violence solves everything.
Rambo (2008)
dir. Sylvester Stallone
Starring: Sylvester Stallone
Julie Benz
Plot: 3/10
Acting: 4/10
Awesomeness: 11/10
Since, if you've been reading my posts, you know by now how much I hate Valentine's Day. My tradition on Valentine's day was always to make myself feel better by watching an incredibly violent movie. Usually I have to rent, but this year there was one in the theaters. Therefore I had the pleasure of getting to mosey on down to the local cinema and watch the fourth installment of Rambo. The movie was in it's last running day and I went to a matinée, so I had the whole theater to myself. There I could sit back and take in the bloodshed unencumbered. The plot of Rambo 4 goes something like this: In Burma, or Myanmar or whatever the hell they're calling that country these days, lots of poor villagers are being terrorized by the Burmese military bad guys. Rambo starts off his day like any man, by catching King Cobras to sell to the Thai. Then some Christian missionaries waltz in and have Rambo take them to Burma. Apparently the power of Christ compels them to be total fucktards and walk in to a war zone unarmed. Of course the bad guys, who are a little smarter and do have weapons, walk in, kick their ass and take their wallets. Then Rambo and some mercenaries have to go in and get them. Rambo is torn and doesn't want to kill anymore, but then remembers that he's really really good at killing people and decides 'Ah, what the hell.' Then it's basically carnage galore. There's a particular cool Aussie merc. who pops off bad guy's heads with a .50 sniper rifle. He should have thrown in the one liner "That's Australian for DEAD!" Anyway Rambo kills everyone and everything is lollipops and sunshine. Below is scene from the movie:
So, if you like seeing people shot, machine gunned, skewered with arrows, blown up with mines, hacked up and disemboweled, this one's for you. Remember kids violence solves everything.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Valentine's Day Sucks Ass!
THIS IS WHAT FEBRUARY WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I WERE IN CHARGE
If there's any holiday in existence that makes me want to vomit it's Valentine's Day. February 14th is day that anyone with a Y chromosome dreads. It is a lose-lose situation for men. If you're a guy you either you have a girlfriend and have to pay out the ass to buy her cutesy crap to placate the bitch, in order for the possibility of future sex, or you don't have a girlfriend and feel like a loser. The shit that chicks want is always nauseating. Teddy bears that say 'I Wuv You!' or 'Life is unbearable without you.' Oh that's hilarious. They'll also want chocolates, which fatten them up so they won't fit in the sexy lingerie you bought, and flowers that you'll shell out 20 bucks for and will wilt in three days. You might have to choke down some of those candy hearts, with the romantic phrases on them, that taste like chalk. If you have a good job and get a decent paycheck, she may want jewelry. In this case you're totally fucked. I've seen women gawking of diamond pendants that cost upwards of $5000. That's right, 5Gs for a small chunk of rock and metal. I think of the amount of cool shit I could get for that kind of money: a top of line computer with dual processors, 800GB of space, 30" monitor; the works. A newer car that's slightly better than the piece of shit I currently drive. On the 15th I bet that women show off their Valentine's Day loot to other women in a 'Who has the better boyfriend?' contest. If I had a time machine, I'd go back and make St. Valentine himself suck down 230 grains of .45 caliber lead in order to prevent this abominable holiday from ever existing. Yes it seems that all is lost for men on 02/14, but not to fret, here are a few valuable survival tips to lessen the agony.
1. Get a friend with benefits.
This is the ultimate way to say 'Fuck you!' to Valentine's Day. A female friend that you can hang out with, play Super Mario Brothers with, and then proceed to have two solid hours of nasty, no strings attached, sex with is a great way to go. Then both of you can go out on Valentine's Day and make fun of the men scrambling for last minute gifts. Later on the two of you can hit up the local watering hole and laugh at the desperate men and ugly women trying to score a last minute Valentine's hook up.
2. Buy her a case of wine coolers.
Buy her a cheap decoy gift like a couple of roses. Then present to your lady with a 30 pack of wine coolers. It's highly possible that she'll get drunk enough to experiment with her hot girlfriend who's depressed because she just got dumped last week. Looks like this Valentine's Day might not turn out so bad after all.
3. Nuke Kay Jewelers.
'Every kiss begins with Kay',as their slogan goes. Yeah well so does bankruptcy, credit card debt, and poor FICA scores. And besides, think of all the beer you could buy for with that money. Below is an easy guide ( see fig. 1) to avoid these horrible fates.
Sorry honey, I can't buy you that diamond necklace because the store is now a radioactive cloud of vapor. This may seem a bit harsh, but after all, it's the only way to be sure.
4. Buy her Gears of War. (see fig. 2) fig. 2->
If you have an XBox 360 I highly recommend this. Nothing says love like wasting wave after wave of Locust monsters in Co-op mode. You can even hold hands during the cut scenes.
5. Ignore it Completely.
Forget the day even exists. Work overtime, tell her you need money because your transmission blew. Attempt to fool her into believing it's already the 15th. Just use your imagination.
I hope this will help all you guys out there better cope with Valentine's Day. Best of luck to you.
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